The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.