@Parentpains

Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.

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@DannyZuker

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

@iamspacegirl

which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@BillMc7

Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.