@1followernodad
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
@Parentpains
Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.
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@1followernodad
@bobvulfov
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
@ilysmooky
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
@caribbeanaj
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
@pan_opt_icon
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state?
Cop: Besides that.
@SirEviscerate
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
@Mindless4Miles
The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.
@CarolinaSong
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
@thequareman
Did you know cats only meow to communicate with us? If they’re not raised around people they don’t do it. They are trying to make a human voice. Nice try cats, we don’t sound like that. Smh.
@ScottLinnen
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL