Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.

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I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding


you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas


I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state?

Cop: Besides that.


Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
That’s it


The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.


I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.


Did you know cats only meow to communicate with us? If they’re not raised around people they don’t do it. They are trying to make a human voice. Nice try cats, we don’t sound like that. Smh.


This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.