Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
May have had one breakfast too many
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight