@tchrquotes

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

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@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

@notalogin

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@Bandersnaaatch

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.