Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
buys donuts instead
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down