Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
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Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hope I got my ticket….
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.