Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

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Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.


me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂


I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star


Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer


“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.