Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Still cracks me up
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then