Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?