@UncleDuke1969

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

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@JohnLyonTweets

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@Ristolable

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

@AtticusFinch79

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@DrakeGatsby

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

@DanMentos

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@Kyle_Lippert

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.