Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?