Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.


I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.


ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT


<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.


Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.


ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?


Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping


“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*


A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.