Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*
“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”
“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”
Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁