@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

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@TheDjinnTrials

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

@Ygrene

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

@ksujulie

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

@Sickayduh

[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”

@YBMillian21

Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.