Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.


[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble


Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.


Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.


[NBA Postgame]
*LeBron wearing his fake glasses*

“Questions? Yes, Lois Lane from Daily Planet”

“Yeah hi. I’ll wait til LeBron comes out”


Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong


The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.