Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“TGIM!” – My liver
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
LA today:
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.