Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

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(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]


When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power


When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.


Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.


I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water


when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.