@jenlaw_11

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

You Might Also Like

@ruinedpicnic

(climbing out of my coffin) I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but firstly the reason I faked my death is-
[nobody is at my funeral]

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

@sickipediabot

When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

@Birdhumms

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

@mrmxy

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@Knorg

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

@socarolinesays

I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water

@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.