Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
can’t believe I got front row seats
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?