Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
This guy must be getting annoyed by now