@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

@FilthyRichmond

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@Brampersandon_

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@TheGoodGodAbove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@77StephanieG77

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.