Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.