The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
and now we wait
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
What my back needs
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.