Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath