Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
How funny!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk