sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.