sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?