sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
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Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.