Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
the council will decide your fate
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I have a black belt in leather
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news