Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them