Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“DAAAAAAAD!! LOKI KEEPS STEALING MY THUNDER!!”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.