Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Good boy 😂😂
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️