@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

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@Dawn_M_

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

@ByYourLogic

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

@SaltyCorpse

A lot of people are walking around without forks in their eyes only because I don’t carry forks around.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@ABurgerADay

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

@craiguito

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

@GrantTanaka

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those