I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?
*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone