@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

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@jonnysun

WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person
ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: I’d rather not, I’d like to get this job

@ericsshadow

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

@EvilLordBacon

*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes

@robfee

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@_SingleBabyMama

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.