WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person
ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: I’d rather not, I’d like to get this job
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.