Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up


“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.


Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.


[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?


*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]


Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.


her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous


The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.


My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.


Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone