Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
They got a point!
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
When you don’t understand how floors work
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
For anyone who needs this today
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you