Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!