Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
saw your mum at the supermarket buying vaseline & cucumbers & nothing else, no wonder your dad died if that what she puts in sandwiches
anyone else like Italian cereal
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.