@Bandersnaaatch

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

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@amydillon

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

@tigersgoroooar

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

@ashlar36

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

@myles_morrison

I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.

@PhoenixRises69

Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*