Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.


Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.


I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”


I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.


Asked my 65yo mom what she’d like for Christmas and she said “Surprise me”.

Hope she likes her new pet python.


Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*