Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired