@Bandersnaaatch

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

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@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@CulturedRuffian

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@mikealfredcaine

saw your mum at the supermarket buying vaseline & cucumbers & nothing else, no wonder your dad died if that what she puts in sandwiches

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.