Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m not wrong
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.