@SarahFemme

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

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@TheCatWhisprer

[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

@JUSTLisandra

Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.

@Carbosly

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@ddsmidt

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

@SonOfCha

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

@caithuls

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho