me logging onto twitter
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Muppet Screams
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°