TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[my first day as a magician]
me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*
girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building