[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.
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7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Having my wisdom teeth pulled.
They have nothing left to teach me.
I must learn on my own from now on.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho