I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
How to walk up the down escalator:
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days