Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.


Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.


Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes


Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.


You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.


*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


[my first day as a magician]

me: *pulls a rabbi out of a hat*

girlfriend: that’s a little unorthodox


Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.