Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I can’t deal with men any longer
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself