@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

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@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@CourtneyBale

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

@existentialcoms

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

@Jacob_Swift16

When I was a child someone shot me with a flare gun and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since

@notalogin

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@ByYourLogic

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

@WritePlay

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move