Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
🤭😂
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.