sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I came this close!!!!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.