Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Fiction has to make sense.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.