Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”