Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.