Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
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The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Reporter: *ports again*
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.