Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You Might Also Like
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.