@crushingbort: sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
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@snowmedia: My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"
@platinum2000: "If you're pregnant you can't get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?" I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
@YourMomsucksTho: My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i'm hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we're married
@Pirate_nurse: If he's dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven't gotten my period."