No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Unless you are a pregnancy test, take your negativity somewhere else.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”