I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.