You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“I FIXED IT!”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop