every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.