sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.