@Jack_Wagon1

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

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@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@sonictyrant

[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@abbycohenwl

[before inflatable air dancers]
Tire Store Owner: Nobody seems to notice my store
Worker: Have you tried writhing in pain out in front all day?

@me_irl

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

@WheelTod

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

@phalguy

I’m at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

@ellle_em

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

@upsidedowntrash

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.