Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

You Might Also Like


[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.


Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.


Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.


Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.


[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no


A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.


me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh