Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
You Might Also Like
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
i wish i could marry a nap
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists