Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Cake safety first. Always.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.