Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years