@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

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@laxkra

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

@TheIntComShow

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

@starringmichell

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

@joshesjames

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

@CarrieMayhem

People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.

@AmnesiaRose

I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@venmo4feet

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.