Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.


Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna


*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em


Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.


People who say “you can run but you can’t hide” have never played hide & seek with me.. or seen me run.


I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.


My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”


Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.


Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.