@_NTFG_

Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.

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@House_Feminist

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

@maebemarbles

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@sixfootcandy

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

@simoncholland

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

@farleftcoast

The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*