If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless