sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The Punning Dead.