Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item