@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

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@mrjohndarby

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@JohnHilsen

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs