@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

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@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

@Bob_Janke

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@jazmasta

[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.