Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Super Hand Dog Face
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.