Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.