Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.