he was correct
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.