Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

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I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.


The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.


DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser


I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.


me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you


2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.