Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
is this meant to deter me
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*